Ooh, Wednesday

Today my heart is full of many burdens.  Sadness for the people we love who are sick and hurting.  Fear for friends facing uncertainty.  Disappointment in who I am as a wife, a friend, a servant.  So so many areas of life need work.  And fall.  The dying coldness of fall.

When life is just feeling too good and too wonderful, the pessimist in me starts looking around corners for death, disease, trouble, and pain.  I can't help it.  Life is never fair and something horrible is bound to happen.  If not to us, then to those we love.  Or both.  When you are standing at a peak in life, the view is spectacular.  But you can't just zip-line to the next peak, you have to tumble down into the ravine and climb your way back up the mountain to reach the next peak.  Along the way you could lose a limb.  The person next to you could die.  You could fall into another ravine, prolonging your journey.  Actually, you might never reach another peak in your life.

In those dark ravines of life, people cling to their faith.  It's the hope that pulls them through.  It's my hope, I guess, although at times I can lose sight of it amid the darkness. 

Here is a confession.  Sometimes I hate praying.  Hate is a strong word, but the feeling is strong.  It's not that I don't want to talk to God, it's that He knows my heart already so why do I have to tell Him?  Also, praying can make me angry because I dwell on all the things going on in the lives of those that I love and I am forced to see that I can't do anything about any of it.  In the back of my mind I always know that I have no control and I have no power but it's easy for me to pretend like I do.   When I pray I have to admit to God, yet again, that I tried to be in charge and I tried to take His place in the driver's seat. And I failed.  In prayer I have to say I can't do it alone.  And that's hard for me.

It's hard to see others suffering and all I can do is pray.  For me, prayer feels so small. I can't solve their problems.  I can't cure their disease.  I can't give them what they need.  Now, no one actually expects these things of me but I expect them of myself, knowing full well I am incapable and doomed to fail.

And when I do pray and God decides to move in another direction I feel personally responsible for that unanswered prayer.  So why did I bother?

Anyways, this might not make sense but it's heavy point of view in my heart today...and I should probably pray about that.  Sigh.