20 weeks update

Well, I hit 20 weeks on Friday. So this is half way! I have no idea how I got here or where I'm going but the world keeps turning and time keeps moving.

Before I got pregnant I would look at pregnant woman and be in awe of them because they just seemed to know what to do and I felt completely incapable and clueless about how to be pregnant. Sure, there is the whole issue of getting pregnant but then once you are, like how do you do it?

I remember having that same feeling about going to college, dating for the first time, and eventually the prospect of being a wife. There are no step-by-step guides and for an outside observer it just seems like people know what to do. Fortunately, like most major stages in life, things progress relatively slowly and you just do it, without realizing it. Completely clueless, it just happens. Your body takes over and just does it's own thing. Thank God.

I'm a planner and I like to know what's going to happen and when. I need to have information. But, oddly, with this pregnancy I've pretty much been the exact opposite. I feel like the more information I know the more stressed and overwhelmed I am so I'd rather just stay clueless. Ignorance is bliss. For the first trimester, this was my intentional strategy since I didn't want to attach too much or plan too far ahead in case we miscarried. Because I took that approach, I feel like I was pretty relaxed and just continued life like normal for those first three months (minus all the obvious pregnancy no-nos). And it worked out pretty well for the most part.

I figured once we got past 12 weeks, I would jump right in with my crazy planning and researching and all that, but I really couldn't. I felt petrified about making a registry and knowing what to put on it. I didn't want to buy any parenting books and then be completely lost about what "method" we would use for every single stage of the baby's life. We want to approach parenting with simplicity and there is just TOO MUCH information and TOO MANY opinions out there.

My body knows what it's doing, albeit unpredictable and uncomfortable at times, but I don't worry about it too much. It's my brain that's torn, one part urging me to get our stuff together and figure out what we are doing and what we need and the other part is so exhausted and stressed, rendering the productive part useless. It's all way too much to take-in along with maintaining your job and life and being a functioning member of society.

I've since made-up my mind to just block it all out. Trust my instincts and pretend like my brain naturally knows enough about raising a baby as my uterus does about growing one. I mean, people in the old days didn't have Google or anything to help them along so why should I need all the bells and whistles now? We are doing what we need to do and not worrying about all the extras, well, trying not to worry. The baby needs our love and attention (and food of course) and the rest we just turn over to God. Easier said than done.

My mom has been asking for a "bump" photo. This is SO NOT me because I feel so ugly right now and I'm hyper fixated on making sure the photos looks consistent. Too many things that I can't control. But here it is, 20 week bump photo. Looking quite big.

Newest symptom at 20 weeks: Round ligament pain. Well, at least that's what I think it is based on my Googling. Jabbing pain on one side of the groin. Lovely.

Things we've accomplished in the first 20 weeks:

- Found out the gender. See here.
- Registered for a birthing class (it's next week!! eek!)
- Schedule a tour of the hospital (seems early, I know, but there were hardly any dates available so I jumped on one)
- Start purging junk and getting things organized in the spare room to transform it into baby's room
- Ordered, and received, my free (well, greatly discounted) breast pump via my insurance
- Gone to all scheduled doctor appointments and scheduled others through June
- Squeezed our monthly budget to cut it by $1,000 in preparation for potential less income when baby comes (and to eliminate my impulse shopping habit)
- Researched area day cares and determined we cannot afford them
- Discussed ideal alternative child care options (more news soon)
- Schedule our last "vacation" or babymoon  

Things we have yet to accomplish:

- Come up with three solid baby name options
- Make a significant dent in the registry (why am I so terrified of this? I loved the wedding registry)
- Figure out how we will baby proof our living room
- Feel the baby move. I'm really wanting this desperately. I feel like it's so late and I should feel it by now. My doctor did NOT inform me but I read on my anatomy ultrasound report that I have an anterior placenta. According to my Google diagnosis, that means I will be more difficult to feel the baby since the placenta is in the way, at least that's how I'm reassuring myself.  
- Pin down my maternity leave plans with HR and my department (this is by FAR the most frustrating part of the pregnancy so far). I made some significant and positive progress with this on Monday so that was a big relief. Still more to do
- Arrange for a pediatrician??? Apparently you're supposed to do this around this time? Seems so weird to me. 

20 down, 20 to go!!