September 29, 2017

Peeks from the Week

This was our first week in our work routine. I stay home with Kippy on Mondays and Tuesdays, Mandy comes over on Wednesdays and Fridays, and Dan has his day on Thursdays.

Kip and I were stuck inside all of Monday and Tuesday because it was so bloody hot outside and Kip is already hot bodied so we stayed inside and did a whole lot of nothing.




When Dan got home in the evening and it had cooled off a bit, we went for a walk and got Italian ice to hold onto summer a little longer.


On Tuesday, I got a really sweet snuggle nap with Kippy. He usually doesn't nap very well and typically is too wiggly to snuggle so this was a special moment for me.


Mandy had a great day with Kip on Wednesday. He took two long naps and she was even able to do his laundry! She is basically killin' it in the nanny department and we all benefit from her love and laughter.


My first day back at work wasn't bad at all and I really enjoyed cleaning out my email inbox. And, since I was away from Kip my milk hormones weren't so bad and I got through the day without soaking my shirt in let-down. Woohoo!

On Thursday, I stayed home with Dan to be available in case of an emergency but, otherwise he was on his own. Dan did well but I think my presence made it more difficult since Kippy wanted me and we had a bit of an evening feeding fiasco. But Dan did great and is ready for his future stay-at-home days with Kippy.


We don't have any set plans for this weekend except for hopefully sneaking in some naps. Happy Friday!!

September 28, 2017

So Long Summer, bucket list recap

Temps are starting to cool off a bit and it feels more like fall outside. So, I figured I should re-cap our Summer Bucket List.

We finished on time!!


We love taking the new ferry boat from our neighborhood. We've mostly taken it to church in downtown Brooklyn, but we did take it to Governor's Island with Mandy this summer



Dan and I snuck-in a beach day when Kippy was only a couple of weeks old. Ordinarily we would have had a beach weekend for our anniversary but we settled for a quick trip to our local-ish beach.


We did try two new restaurants. One was Bare-Burger with friends and we went to Artichoke Pizza in the neighborhood with Mandy.

We did the Cyclones game and fireworks the weekend after the 4th of July along with Nathan's hot dogs and by sheer luck I found shaved ice on the boardwalk.




We saw Anastasia on Broadway and LOVED it


We had a few picnics throughout the summer



Our bowling trip was for Dan's birthday


And of course, the highlight of summer was the arrival of Kippy!!


It was a happy summer. So glad we got to do so much adventuring despite being pregnant. Glad we got to share so much time with Mandy. And thrilled to welcome our little guy into the world. Summer birthdays are the best!!!

September 26, 2017

Our Breastfeeding Journey, Part II

This is part II of our breastfeeding journey. See Part I here.

By the time we got home from the hospital with Kip, my goal was to still be a nursing mom. I assumed a wise breastfeeding mother or consultant would give us a trick and we'd be on our way. But I knew we needed help.

Kip's first day home I pumped and my parents, Mandy, or Dan bottled fed him. I was trying to do what all the books say to "avoid nipple confusion" and not feed him with a bottle if I had any hope of getting him to breastfeed with me later.




The next day a mom friend came over to try and help me. She gave me some tips but also couldn't tell why Kip wouldn't latch. And, it's not just that he didn't latch it's how angry he would get with every attempt. Not a hunger cry it was like a rage cry. He turns bright red and kicks and arches and pushes away and flails his arms. You can barely hold him when he is like that. He was a newborn but he is strong.

It was just so sad for me to see him so upset and have that negative experience associated with me. Since everyone else was bottle feeding him, all he knew of me was this frustrating experience and I hated that. He had no idea that milk was from me and that I was his mom and I carried him for nine months and gave him everything he needed. It was really hard for me to not have that bonding experience with him and feel like he didn't need me anymore.

We saw a lactation consultant two days after coming home and we told her everything that had happened at the hospital. She watched me as I attempted to breastfeed and she witnessed the rage crying when we tried to get Kip to latch. She gave me a few pointers but otherwise didn't see why he would be so upset. She said keep trying and speak to the pediatrician about a possible lip tie. We saw the pediatrician later that day and she said the lip tie was insignificant and shouldn't interfere with feeding. She too said "keep trying."

Meanwhile, I kept pumping and everyone else kept bottle feeding Kip.

I'm not sure if it was just nature or if it was because I was pumping so much so soon, but by day four my milk had come in and it came in a like a flood. I went from a solid B cup my entire life to a DD. Milk just poured out of me unassisted by anything. They didn't say any of this in any of the books I read and I was totally unprepared and caught off guard by it. I was painfully engorged, unable to even attempt breastfeeding with Kip because my milk would drop while I was trying to latch him and his kicking and flailing hurt like crazy with my sensitive ladies. We would both be covered in milk and crying by the end of it.

It was at this point that I "gave up" and made peace, as best I could, with not being a nursing mom. I wanted to feed my baby and I didn't care if it came from a bottle. I would just exclusively pump and we would exclusively bottle feed. He would still be getting the benefits of my milk and that's what mattered to me. That's what should matter. But I felt guilty and ashamed to tell other moms and sad because everyone kept pushing breastfeeding. And sad because it felt like a failure.

Although I accepted the pumping, I felt completely desperate and clueless about how to do it correctly. I had read and prepared for breastfeeding but knew next to nothing about pumping. And exclusively pumping is extremely different from pumping to go back to work. But, I had NO IDEA how to exclusively pump. So rather than sleeping in the wee hours of the morning, I would Google like crazy everything about pumping. I immediately became overwhelmed with it. Reading about pumping schedules, constantly washing bottles and pump parts, figuring out how to bag and freeze, knowing how much to feed Kip, washing more parts, learning the rules about milk storage, sanitizing parts, and spilling milk. Oh, did I say washing parts? Yeah, it's all consuming and never ending.


Add to all of that a newborn baby and all his needs. Add that to the baby blues and mourning the loss of my time with Dan and routine before Kip. I was a hot emotional mess that first week home.

I call the pump our "other baby" because in the beginning that is what it feels like. Some days, it still does. I have to pump eight times a day - on a specific schedule in order to establish a supply and to empty my painfully engorged ladies. The first week I found one helpful blog and then I reached out to a neighborhood mom group on Facebook asking for tips on exclusive breastfeeding. One mom pointed me to another private group on Facebook for exclusive pumpers. Once I got accepted into that group I started feeling a little more confident about what to do. All the women are super helpful with tips and support and FOR ONCE, I'm grateful for social media. If I had not found that group I would have inadvertently dried my supply before the end of the month, that's how clueless I am.

I learned a lot those first few weeks but made A LOT of mistakes too. I threw away valuable colostrum that I had pumped and frozen because I thought he was too old for it after the first week. UGH, such a terrible mistake. I used bad bags and spilled a ton of milk. I made all kinds of wrong decisions but oddly my supply kept increasing. Day after day it went from 1 oz per pump to 4 oz, 8 oz, and even up to 16 oz. My daily output could feed three babies. THREE!

Here is the issue with oversupply. We live in a small apartment with a small freezer. We don't have space for TWO 7 foot deep freezers, like some women have out in the suburbs. Whatever doesn't fit I can't keep. We had to throw out a ton of food in our freezer to make as much room as possible. We bought a mini freezer to squeeze into our tiny kitchen to help store some of the milk and we quickly filled that freezer near to capacity.


I donated over 250 ounces of milk to two local moms who needed milk. Mandy took over 300 ounces to store in her freezer. I had to reluctantly dump a bunch of milk because I had no where to put it. I feel terribly guilty about it but I had no where to put it and only the guarantee that I would have twice more that amount in 4 hours. And Dan and I are still debating about buying a mini deep freeze and putting it in our bedroom.

This was our refrigerator freezer two weeks ago, before I organized it:


This was after I organized it and bagged some to donate and some to give to Mandy to store:


This was after the donations were picked up and Mandy took her stash:


And this was today. Already refilled. All that plus the packed mini freezer.


I have no tips on how to increase supply. I'm consuming absolutely no supplements or foods that increase lactation. I have no idea how it happened to me or why. So many moms wish they had an oversupply but I'm here to tell you it sucks. The grass is always greener and this oversupply is a true curse to me. I have more stress over pumping and freezing than I do about Kippy and that's why it's like a second baby. It needs to be taken care of like a baby and it creates a mountain of work like a baby. Every day I want to quit but every day I convince myself not to. I promised myself I would do it three months and reevaluate then, with permission to quit and grace enough to let myself move on. We're only halfway there so far.

I'm up every night at 1 am and 5 am to pump, regardless of whether or not Kip sleeps through the night. I have to pump more times than Kip feeds in a day and I've had to lug my pump around if I will be out for more than three hours. I've cleaned my pump parts and bottles at least 1,000 times. My nipples are raw and my ladies are constantly engorged. I've had to let Kip cry for 15 mins straight because I was hooked to my pump when he needed me. Stress is supposed to reduce your supply. I seem to be an exception to that rule because I've gotten as high as 70 oz a day. And I can't just quit pumping or pump less without risking clogged ducts, infection, or completely drying up. It's a balance I don't understand and can't control.

I'm sharing all of this because I want to remember it and to hopefully some day look back and be grateful for the experience. It's a lesson in surrendering control, one I'm clearly learning every day. And I also want other people to know that the choice of whether or not to breastfeed is complicated and it's not as easy as simply choosing to or not. You might have to choose how and be willing to accept the challenges that choice might bring along with the emotions of losing what you thought you'd have. Be sensitive to that and know that each journey is different, so extend grace instead of judgement. FED is best. Period, always.

September 25, 2017

Weekending it

Well if the calendar didn't say FALL, you wouldn't know it. We have a heat wave right now and are back to shorts weather and super sweat.

This weekend, Kippy let Dan and I sleep in a bit which was a treat!  The plan for Saturday was to take the subway to downtown Brooklyn so I could get some new clothes for work. Unfortunately, after we loaded everything up and got to the subway station we discovered the train in our neighborhood wasn't running this weekend. We didn't want to brave the shuttle with the stroller, so, we walked up to 86th street and I bought a few things. We went out for lunch and then headed home. I strapped Kippy to my chest and he fell asleep so Dan and I binge watched several episodes of Walking Dead that afternoon. Just like the old days, pre baby.

On Sunday we got around early to get everything together to go to church. Since the subway wasn't running we decided to take the bus. Apparently you can't take strollers on the city buses and have to break them down before you get on. BOOOOO. So I held Kip in the car seat attachment while Dan held the stroller base, diaper bag, and pump. We made it to church on time and I got to be in worship until Kip started crying at the beginning of the sermon. I headed out to the little nursery area to feed him and all the other new moms were back there so we chatted and commiserated. I am so grateful for the friendship of these other new moms. There was pizza for lunch and then Dan and I made a quick trip to Trader Joes before we decided to take the Ferry home instead of the bus.

So Kip had his first bus ride and first ferry ride this weekend!!

The ferry went well minus the long and HOT walk home. I had some friends over to visit and meet Kip in the afternoon and before we knew it, the weekend was over.

Today hasn't gone how I hoped it would. Kippy is really fussy, I'm unusually tired, and it's too hot to take Kip out in the stroller. Just one of those days. Hoping this afternoon is better.

And apparently, I took hardly any photos this weekend. I got a cute story time photo of Dan and Kip from Saturday.


And a photo of sleeping Kip strapped to my chest.


September 22, 2017

Peeks from the Week

This was my last full week home from work. Frowny face.

My Monday and Tuesday with Kip went much better this week than last week because I made peace with the fact that my to-do list wouldn't get done. Once I surrendered that, I enjoyed my time with Kip much more and wasn't as frustrated with the napless days and excessive fussiness. Maybe he sensed my greater ease and seemed more content as well.







On Wednesday I went for my 6-week postpartum OB appointment while Mandy stayed home with Kippy. The appointment was a lame waste of time. My insensitive OB who didn't even deliver Kip didn't even ask his name. So, yeah, promptly switching OBs now.

On Thursday Dan and I were able to go out to lunch on a little double date with friends. We tried a new restaurant in the area and it was excellent. Kippy hung out in the baby carrier the whole time!! I then got a pedicure while Dan watched Kippy. Dan will be with Kip by himself on Thursdays so he is getting used to meeting all the baby demands solo.

Today is my last day with Mandy. And I'm sad about that. She makes me laugh and I'll miss our extra time but I'm glad Kippy gets to be with her. So as not to waste any of my last day with her, I'm signing off.

Happy Friday!! Baby feet!!


September 19, 2017

Our Breastfeeding Journey, Part I

This is part I of a two part post.

While I was pregnant, I decided I wanted to breastfeed. Basically the benefits get shoved down your throat from day one from pretty much everywhere. And, who doesn't want what's "best" for their baby? Now, I don't have any issue with formula feeding. I was formula fed. Dan was formula fed. We were products of the 1980s and both of us were perfectly healthy children. Fed is best. But, nevertheless, I wanted to try to breastfeed.

I read articles about breastfeeding, I read a book about beginning breastfeeding, I talked to breastfeeding friends, I read breastfeeding blog posts. We were given breastfeeding tips at all the parenting and labor classes we took and I honestly felt pretty good about giving it a try once the baby was born. Oh how stupid I was.

There were two other things on my birth plan besides "give birth by any means necessary." One, immediate skin-to-skin as soon after the baby is born as medically safe. And two, meet with the lactation consultant in the hospital ASAP.

When we went on our tour of the maternity ward a few weeks before Kip was born, one of the lactation consultants on staff gave us the tour. She repeatedly stated how important it was to meet with either her or the other consultant while we were in recovery to make sure we had our best shot at establishing breastfeeding early. She even went so far as to say that she and the other consultant always worked out their schedules and vacations to ensure one was on staff at all times (major holidays excluding).

Well, I got my skin-to-skin right after Kip was born and I even tried getting him to breastfeed while I was still in the delivery room when he was less than one hour old. I did ALL the things the articles and books and blogs said to do. The doctor who delivered Kip was even there to try and help me. But he wouldn't latch. "That's ok, no big deal, he was just born give him a break." The doctor told me she would tell the lactation consultant to come and find me in recovery. Oh, and apparently newborns don't need to feed more than a few drops when they are first born. Ok, so I wasn't worried.

We get to the recovery room and I was told by the day nurse that BOTH LACTATION CONSULTANTS WERE ON VACATION and would be out for the duration of my stay at the hospital. Annoyed is an understatement considering the lactation consultant we saw at our tour made a point to say that did NOT happen. I was mad but what could I do?

All the nurses I saw tried to help, the pediatrician on staff tried to help, the OB making rounds tried to help. From what they told me, I had the technique down right it was just Kippy didn't want to latch. And they all said that was okay and to keep trying. So for the first night I finger-fed Kip. I squeezed the colostrum out onto my finger and I put my finger in his mouth. Kippy was a feisty feeder from day one and kicked and squirmed during the whole process so he ended up with more milk on his face than in his mouth. Oh he was so tiny!


The next day I dispatched Dan to get in touch with a lactation consultant we could see as soon as we got home from the hospital. My friend hooked him up with some options and we felt a little better. That day, Kip got his circumcision and was fed sugar water at some point (apparently this is standard practice). So he was sleepy the whole day from the surgery and being full of sugar water, he didn't want to try feeding. He latched two times that day. The first was incorrect and he was biting my nipple rather than sucking. The second time was a correct latch and he appeared to be sucking. I couldn't get him to do it again that day. But he DID latch, so I was hopeful.

That night was my night of terror. I was alone. It was the middle of the night. I had yet to sleep more than a few broken hours since the day BEFORE he was born. Kip was hungry and he wouldn't latch. I tried the finger feeding but it wasn't enough and I was tired and frustrated and overwhelmed. Due to my exhaustion and clear emotional distress, the nurse gave me formula to feed Kip and he downed it so fast I felt terrible he must have been so hungry. He ate more than he should have, stretched his stomach, and less than an hour later he spit it all back up.

I told the nurse I wanted to give him breastmilk instead of formula (I wanted formula to be our last resort). So she gave me a hospital pump and I pumped for the first time and got a really sizable amount of colostrum that I was really proud of. But I lost half of the output when I tried to feed Kip with a syringe. I was devastated since I'd read and heard about this "liquid gold" and I had just wasted all of it. So, cue another sleep deprived emotional meltdown.



This is a picture of the first time I washed pump parts.


I kept pumping to help my milk to come in.

The day we were discharged Mandy and Dan came into the recovery room to find me in the hospital bed ugly crying while pumping. It was not what I wanted. I wanted that beautiful picture of a new mom holding her new baby as he fed from her breast. I didn't want to pump. I didn't want to clean all the parts every time. I didn't want all the accessories. And I was just so darn tired.

Before we left the hospital that day I had a little bottle of colostrum pumped for Kippy and the day nurse gave me a reality check and told me "to be glad I at least had milk and not worry about how he got it." Ok, so I did. At least I had a pump at home that I could use until we figured out the breastfeeding.


Stayed turned for Part II

September 18, 2017

Weekending it

This is my last full week home with Kippy. Next week I start back to work part-time working three days a week. I'm sad it went so fast. Sad that I already have less time with Kip but I'm also really sad to have less time with Mandy and with Dan. I've loved my days with them. But, I'm trying to focus on the positive aspects of having to go back to work. One, my subway commute. Never thought I'd say I'm looking forward to those, and honestly, I'm not. But I'm excited to have 40 minutes to potentially sleep on the train! Another positive, I'll only have to worry about pumping and not panic when I'm pumping right as Kip needs to be fed, or changed, or soothed. Three, I can eat my lunch without inhaling it in less than 30 seconds. Four, mental challenge. Changing diapers just doesn't engage the same part of my brain as my desk job...who knew?

So, this week, I'm hoping to treasure my Kippy-time and not get too overwhelmed with the fussing or days with no naps.

This weekend was bliss. Mandy, once again, came through with her help and set us all off on an adventure to go apple picking in New Jersey. Dan found a place not too far from her apartment so we loaded-up on Saturday morning and Mandy drove us to a cute little orchard with pick-your-own apples AND peaches. There was also a corn maze, lots of fun stuff for kids, food, apple cider donuts, apple cider slushes, and a pumpkin patch. We just did the apple/peach picking and grabbed some slushes and donuts from the store. Maybe next year we'll go back when Kip is bigger and do some of the other attractions.










We had a blast but it was HOT. And the stroller we have was not made for off-roading so it was somewhat difficult but I'm glad we had some family fall fun and will be enjoying apples and peaches all week.






Mandy stayed over Sunday night and helped me get over my subway anxiety by forcing me to load-up Kip and get on the subway to go to church. Dan had to get there early so if Mandy had not been with me I would not have gone but she pushed me to do hard things, to get out and get back at life. I am glad she did (although I asked if we could just take her car about a dozen times). Was the subway with a stroller and baby easy? HECK NO. But we survived and enjoyed church and treated ourselves to Starbucks afterwards.


You guys, it's 8:15 am and Kip is still sleeping. WHAT IS THIS WORLD??? Hoping for a good day with my lil guy.