Our Breastfeeding Journey, Part I

This is part I of a two part post.

While I was pregnant, I decided I wanted to breastfeed. Basically the benefits get shoved down your throat from day one from pretty much everywhere. And, who doesn't want what's "best" for their baby? Now, I don't have any issue with formula feeding. I was formula fed. Dan was formula fed. We were products of the 1980s and both of us were perfectly healthy children. Fed is best. But, nevertheless, I wanted to try to breastfeed.

I read articles about breastfeeding, I read a book about beginning breastfeeding, I talked to breastfeeding friends, I read breastfeeding blog posts. We were given breastfeeding tips at all the parenting and labor classes we took and I honestly felt pretty good about giving it a try once the baby was born. Oh how stupid I was.

There were two other things on my birth plan besides "give birth by any means necessary." One, immediate skin-to-skin as soon after the baby is born as medically safe. And two, meet with the lactation consultant in the hospital ASAP.

When we went on our tour of the maternity ward a few weeks before Kip was born, one of the lactation consultants on staff gave us the tour. She repeatedly stated how important it was to meet with either her or the other consultant while we were in recovery to make sure we had our best shot at establishing breastfeeding early. She even went so far as to say that she and the other consultant always worked out their schedules and vacations to ensure one was on staff at all times (major holidays excluding).

Well, I got my skin-to-skin right after Kip was born and I even tried getting him to breastfeed while I was still in the delivery room when he was less than one hour old. I did ALL the things the articles and books and blogs said to do. The doctor who delivered Kip was even there to try and help me. But he wouldn't latch. "That's ok, no big deal, he was just born give him a break." The doctor told me she would tell the lactation consultant to come and find me in recovery. Oh, and apparently newborns don't need to feed more than a few drops when they are first born. Ok, so I wasn't worried.

We get to the recovery room and I was told by the day nurse that BOTH LACTATION CONSULTANTS WERE ON VACATION and would be out for the duration of my stay at the hospital. Annoyed is an understatement considering the lactation consultant we saw at our tour made a point to say that did NOT happen. I was mad but what could I do?

All the nurses I saw tried to help, the pediatrician on staff tried to help, the OB making rounds tried to help. From what they told me, I had the technique down right it was just Kippy didn't want to latch. And they all said that was okay and to keep trying. So for the first night I finger-fed Kip. I squeezed the colostrum out onto my finger and I put my finger in his mouth. Kippy was a feisty feeder from day one and kicked and squirmed during the whole process so he ended up with more milk on his face than in his mouth. Oh he was so tiny!

The next day I dispatched Dan to get in touch with a lactation consultant we could see as soon as we got home from the hospital. My friend hooked him up with some options and we felt a little better. That day, Kip got his circumcision and was fed sugar water at some point (apparently this is standard practice). So he was sleepy the whole day from the surgery and being full of sugar water, he didn't want to try feeding. He latched two times that day. The first was incorrect and he was biting my nipple rather than sucking. The second time was a correct latch and he appeared to be sucking. I couldn't get him to do it again that day. But he DID latch, so I was hopeful.

That night was my night of terror. I was alone. It was the middle of the night. I had yet to sleep more than a few broken hours since the day BEFORE he was born. Kip was hungry and he wouldn't latch. I tried the finger feeding but it wasn't enough and I was tired and frustrated and overwhelmed. Due to my exhaustion and clear emotional distress, the nurse gave me formula to feed Kip and he downed it so fast I felt terrible he must have been so hungry. He ate more than he should have, stretched his stomach, and less than an hour later he spit it all back up.

I told the nurse I wanted to give him breastmilk instead of formula (I wanted formula to be our last resort). So she gave me a hospital pump and I pumped for the first time and got a really sizable amount of colostrum that I was really proud of. But I lost half of the output when I tried to feed Kip with a syringe. I was devastated since I'd read and heard about this "liquid gold" and I had just wasted all of it. So, cue another sleep deprived emotional meltdown.

This is a picture of the first time I washed pump parts.

I kept pumping to help my milk to come in.

The day we were discharged Mandy and Dan came into the recovery room to find me in the hospital bed ugly crying while pumping. It was not what I wanted. I wanted that beautiful picture of a new mom holding her new baby as he fed from her breast. I didn't want to pump. I didn't want to clean all the parts every time. I didn't want all the accessories. And I was just so darn tired.

Before we left the hospital that day I had a little bottle of colostrum pumped for Kippy and the day nurse gave me a reality check and told me "to be glad I at least had milk and not worry about how he got it." Ok, so I did. At least I had a pump at home that I could use until we figured out the breastfeeding.

Stayed turned for Part II