Show and Tell Tuesday: Flashback to the High School Days

It's Show and Tell Tuesday with Andrea!  Today's theme is who were you in High School?

Oh geez, high school...not something I want to relive.

Guys, I was not, nor will I ever be, in the "cool crowd."  I wasn't exactly uncool but Mandy and I definitely fell in that in-between lost in the shuffle have friends that aren't really friends group.  The high school day reminiscing is plural because in those days, Mandy and I were inseparable.

We were so nervous about high school as it was our first public school experience and as everyone knows, it's all about having the right clothes and saying the right things.  We hyper obsessed about fitting in and yet never quite figured it out.  Oh sure, we had friends but they were nearly all superficial friendships.  If I was to sum-up my high school self in one word it would be "self-conscious."   I distinctly remember the feeling of walking down the hall and being so overwhelmed with fear about what I was supposed to do with my arms and hands.  Do they hang at my side? Should I cross them?  Do they go in my pockets? Does that look weird?  Is my hair ugly?  Is everyone starring at the pimple on my chin?  What do I DO with my hands!!!????

I confessed this fear to a youth group leader one time and she laughed at me.  She didn't understand why I would be hyper focused on that.  I'll never forget how lonely and ashamed I felt in that moment.  Oh, high school Stephanie I want to give you a hug. 

A note about that pic above.  Mandy was a cheerleader freshman year.  It did not work out well, she just didn't have the typical cheer personality.  I played violin (quite terribly) in orchestra all four years of high school. 

I had crushes (oddly they were both named Kyle and they both had blonde hair and they both obliquely resemble Dan...apparently I have a "type.") but I never talked to boys, ever.  No one ever approached Mandy or me about being interested so therefore we never dated.  Evidently our shyness came off as unapproachable.  It's probably for the best, we wouldn't have known what to do.   We hung out with our parents at home on weeknights and weekends.  We never got invited to parties or to the mall.  We were late-bloomers in every sense of the word...not developing until we were well past age 16 and we were tall, skinny, and gangly.  Not quite looking comfortable in our own skin. 

We drove our great grandmother's 1984 pee yellow Volvo station wagon with poop brown leather interior.  No one can recover social standing when you drive that to school.  It didn't help that Mandy and I were vigilant about arriving to school early.  Our car was the first in the student parking lot every morning.

We went to prom with our only solid friend from school, a girl I knew through orchestra.  We forced each other to go, feeling like if we didn't we would regret it.  We had delivery pizza for dinner, Jessy did our hair and make-up, and our dad drove us to the location.   It was lame.

We were studious.  Did very well in classes and got straight As.   We graduated in the white honors robes but were still "less than" all the kids in AP classes and International Baccalaureate. We were awkward, unsure of ourselves, anxious, and always worrying about other people.  I am still very similar to my high school self.  Learning to Be My Own Rainbow is a genuine struggle.

When I was in college I was seeing a therapist who happened to be the mother of a girl at our high school.  That girl was a grade below us (and in the popular crowd).  She told her mom (who then told me) that everyone was curious about us (Mandy and me) and they thought we were beautiful.

I didn't believe the therapist.  I thought she was making it up to try and get me to regain confidence I never had.  But thinking back about it now, we were beautiful.  Maybe we didn't feel it outwardly but we have genuine beauty on the inside.

Mandy says she dreams regularly about high school more than any other memory recalled in dream state.  I dream about it too.  Mostly about being late, not knowing where my classroom is, not having my schedule, being in an awkward social situation.  Truth be told, it wasn't entirely miserable for four solid years.  We had laughs, fun times, and moments of pride and confidence but the hard memories are always the ones that surface first. 

According to Dan, in high school he was the "nice guy who was reserved."  He played basketball freshmen and sophomore years and tennis all four years.  He was also on the debate team.  He doesn't have any specific memories from those years but says he was just "trying to figure out who he was."  Weren't we all.

  Three cheers for leaving high school in the past!