Trainxiety

I think my worst, or least favorite, symptom of this pregnancy so far is what I'm calling trainxiety. Really, it's just heightened claustrophobia that is triggered by the subway train.

I've always been mildly claustrophobic ever since I was a little kid. I have no idea what triggered it to begin with but I do recall moments of fear as a kid when other kids would intentionally clog the tube slide. Ugh, I'm getting hot and nervous just thinking about that. But, for the most part it's been well managed and only flared up with things like MRIs and super confined spaces. Rare and could go years without issue.

But things have changed. Since the beginning of this pregnancy I started getting really anxious riding on the subway and getting worked-up in my brain about "what would happen if the train stopped" or "what if I'm stuck down here." If I let my mind wander even just a little I would start to get panicky. It goes from a hypothetical fear to near panic if the thoughts combine with the density of the train.

25% of my brain is very rational about this fear. It says, don't worry, stay calm. There is plenty of air. There is plenty of space. Don't be ridiculous!!! But the other 75% of my brain is screaming LIESSSSSSSS. Get off the train now! The 75% usually wins.

I'm calling this a pregnancy symptom because that's what it is. It started escalating right after we got pregnant and it has progressed on track with the pregnancy. I felt like it must be related and so I Googled it. Apparently it's extremely common for normal anxieties to become significantly heightened during pregnancy. Why? Who knows, added stress, added hormones, added emotions, the fact that your brain is working on other things. I don't know. But claustrophobia and the NYC transit system do NOT make a good combination. I'm just hoping that this symptom will also end with the pregnancy. Fingers crossed.

Since riding the train is unavoidable, I end-up exposing myself to the fear multiple times a day. So it's a day by day, train by train immersive experience. Sometimes God blesses me with a weeks worth of easy commutes and sometimes I have nightmare rides twice daily. I suppose it's a small price to pay for this little growing baby, so, somehow I'll manage. Fortunately, I have come up with some helpful coping mechanisms that do the trick if I stayed focused.

1) Get on the train at the middle instead of the front. I typically like sitting in the first car because it is right by my exit. Everyone else does this as well, so despite a bit more of a walk, the train is less crowded in the middle, and therefore more peaceful.
2) Take off your coat to avoid feeling "restricted" and trapped
3) If you must sit, get a seat that is not boxed in by another seat. Window seats are bad. If it's crowed, stay standing, preferably near the door
4) DO NOT watch people get on the train. Keep you head down or close your eyes. If you don't see how many people are crowding onto the train, your brain has no idea
5) Blast your eardrums with music. Brain cannot imagine ridiculous death scenarios if its being overwhelmed with show tunes
6) Have a water bottle and a small battery-operated fan in your backpack. Even if you don't use them, they're there if you need it.
7) If it gets really bad, just get off the train and wait for the next one. It's better to be late to work than risk total panic.

I will say, experiencing this claustrophobia with more and more frequency has given me a lot more compassion for people (friends and family) who deal with panic anxiety. It's a whole new level of understanding.