The First 48

Just a little recap of Kippy's first 48 hours of life. It was such an emotional rollercoaster for me those first two days and while I can't say I'd want to relive them, I do want to remember the experience because it was my first taste of what parenthood is like and will be like. Joy and fear all swirled together.

Day One 

After Kippy was born, I got to hold him on my chest for a good bit of time before they cleaned him up and did all his measurements. We tried breastfeeding which was unsuccessful, but we tried. I wasn't discouraged by that, just grateful he was well enough that I got to be with him so long so soon after delivery.

I felt totally liberated when they finally took the fetal monitors off and took the stupid IV port out. And I was SHOCKED at how nearly all my uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms were instantly gone. I assumed it took weeks for things to fade, but no. Acid reflux, lower back and tailbone pain, face swelling, everything was just gone! Of course I didn't exactly feel like running a marathon and I still have a bump, but it was wonderful to be able to turn over in bed without too much effort.

My parents were able to come back to the delivery room pretty soon after Kip was born and it was all a big mix of joy and shock and total love. Dan's boss and coworker came in unexpectedly (Kip's only non-family visitors) and we received a lovely bouquet of flowers from Auntie Jessy!

Kippy and I got to do some skin to skin and then they took him to the nursery to get checked out and all bundled-up cute in his hospital blanket and hat. I was so surprised by how tiny he was. You know I was expecting a beast baby based on all the ultrasound predictions indicating he would be well over 8 pounds. But he was just a tiny, but tall, little guy and with a perfectly round head and bright pink skin.

My first meal post-delivery was a bacon grilled cheese sandwich from Melt, down the block and it was heavenly. I didn't take a picture because I inhaled it.

By mid-afternoon we were wheeled down the hall to my recovery room. The maternity ward was SO crowded that all the private rooms were occupied and wait listed. We had decided ahead of time that if I delivered early in the day that it would be ok to have a shared room since I would have Dan with me all day. If I delivered late then we would pay for a private room. Well, we didn't even get the choice to have a private room. So I shared a room about two times smaller than the delivery room. My bed was literally 5 inches from the closet sized bathroom (toilet, no shower) and about two feet away from my roommate's bed. I only saw my roommate a few times and we never really talked, just had a thin curtain dividing the four of us. Two new moms and two new babes.

My parents, Dan, and Mandy stayed a good bit of the day and passed Kippy around and brought me lots of food from outside the hospital.

Super funny, and ironic, the hospital brought around the dinner trays and it was meatloaf and mashed potatoes which is the ONLY meal I had an aversion to during the pregnancy. I ate none of it because, gross. I took a picture though because I thought it was really funny that my first post-delivery meal offered was the LAST thing I would choose to eat.

After visiting hours were over, I was left alone with Kippy. They have a rooming-in policy at the hospital so that means that babies stay with the moms but for some reason my roommate got to have her baby go to the nursery for several hours. I didn't sleep. I watched Kip and attempted to breastfeed him, unsuccessfully. The night nurse, Nori, was really sweet and tried to help but we couldn't get him latched and she said babies aren't very hungry their first night. I felt terrible for my roommate since Kippy cried most of the night and I couldn't do much to get him calm except let him sleep on my chest which petrified me since I was exhausted and worried I would drop him. At some point in the night I discovered he LOVED to suck on my finger so we bonded over that.

I was thrilled when 8 am rolled around and Mandy and Dan showed up with iced coffee and companionship.

Day Two

Kip had his little circumcision surgery in the morning and I ran down the hall to take a shower while he was away. It was a pretty pathetic shower but I was happy to put some real pjs on instead of the hospital gown.

Here is a tour of my TINY curtained area of the shared room we had. You guys, this is a classic NYC situation. No breathing room. At one point the bassinet of the other baby was literally inches away from me. It was so crowded and hot in there. I hated it.

That afternoon Kippy was so sleepy from his surgery so Dan climbed in the bed with me and we took a family nap together. This was definitely the highlight of the day.

I still couldn't get Kip to breastfeed so we did finger feeding where I hand expressed the milk and put it in his mouth with my finger. Eventually they brought me a pump so I could put the colostrum into a syringe to feed him that way. Sweet little milk mustache.

That night was really hard for me. A really dark place emotionally. I didn't sleep at all. I was super conscious of my roommate and her baby and keeping them awake. Kip was hangry and I couldn't feed him. I worked really hard to pump a few ml and I was so proud of having washed all the pump parts in the tiny sink and cleaned-up my area and had a little meal ready for Kippy in the night.

Around 1 am he woke up and I tried to feed him with the syringe and I pushed too hard and the full contents shot across the room onto the curtain dividing the space. I was devastated and exhausted and just emotionally broke down at that point. The night nurse came in and was trying to calm me down and try breastfeeding again. I was ugly crying and she just took Kip, swaddled him, put him in the bassinet and told me to sleep. She was so sweet to me and told me he would be fine and gave him some formula which he promptly spit-up. I felt so defeated at that point and alone and terrified and mad at myself for not being brave or confident. I think I slept 20 minutes total, the whole night.

It was so hard to sleep at all at the hospital because nurses were coming in and out all night checking blood pressure and temperatures, administering medications, and then orderlies coming in and out to empty the trash or pick-up food trays. The lights were on in our room since my roommate had to see to get to the shared toilet and it was SO hot in there because the curtains around me blocked all the A/C. I missed Dan so much and I felt deep sadness in my heart for single moms. I have so much more respect for them now. They are saints.

When morning finally came and Dan and Mandy showed-up they got to witness my second emotional breakdown as I attempted to breastfeed Kip again, unsuccessfully and then pump. All the nurses had tried to help at this point and the OB on-call and the pediatrician. Unfortunately, both the lactation consultants on staff were on vacation so I was on my own. Not at all what I had planned for our breastfeeding experience.

Even though I was scared out of my mind about going home with Kip and feeling totally unprepared, at the same time I just wanted to get home and get out of the stifling hospital. The night nurse told the day nurse, Mei, about my little emotional breakdown in the night so the day nurse gave me a dose of reality and told me "at least my body was making milk and I could figure out the breastfeeding later." Apparently there was a mom that delivered a few weeks prior who had breast cancer and wasn't able to feed her baby at all because she had to go on chemo immediately after the baby was born. This, of course, made me feel guilty and cry some more but she was right. It was fine, I'd figure it out.

So we waited through all the discharge stuff, the day nurse told me to pull it together, they loaded us up with tons of supplies and a diaper bag filled with things for the baby, Mandy dressed Kippy and got him in the carseat, I got wheeled out in a chair, and Dan drove us home.

And just like that we were on our own. Kippy slept the whole way home. Sweet as can be.