New Years grumpies

So yesterday I looked at my resolutions post from last January.  I totally forgot that I had picked a word and made a plan to achieve it.  Turns out we kind of succeeded in fulfilling that word of the year.  I picked PLAY as the word because we were in our newlywed year and wanted to do lots of fun things together.  In reviewing the blog for the Year in Review post I think we definitely capitalized on PLAY in 2015.

On Tuesday I mentioned that I didn't pick a resolution and I didn't pick a word for the year because I had never been successful.  Well I guess that was wrong because we did hit our word pretty hard last year.  Now I guilty and lazy for not picking a word for this year.  But I just can't think of one.  Part of me is excited for 2016 and new adventures and the other part of me is just so tired already.  So tired.  And it's not like my life is particularly hard or stressful and yet I'm tired. Who wants to join my petition for changing the New Year to the summer when life is good and there is motivation to share?

There are a lot of things I want to figure out this year.  Things in our relationship, things for our future, security for our church, and mostly figuring out how to be confident in who I am and secure in God's will for us.  I struggle really hard with insecurity.  My brain is a constant internal dialogue of judgement.  I feel ugly on the inside and the outside.  I feel like we are failing miserably at a lot of things and the sense that we are always running uphill with things at church.

Don't get me wrong, I know life is good.  We have an amazing family network, both Dan's side and mine.  We have strong friendships and support from the people around us.  We truly have all our needs met.  We are comfortable and blessed.  We are secure in Christ's love and we have hope.  But the world feels dark.  My heart feels dark with envy and anger.  I need to have control over everything and I am constantly getting in the way of God. It's a very discontented place.   I have enough energy to wallow about it but not enough energy to do anything about it, and that just makes me more angry with myself.

So yeah, no word for the year and still no resolutions.  Really missing the Christmas cheer right now.  It's ok, we'll carry on.  Evidently I felt this same way on this exact day last year.