February 25, 2021

9 Months In | 9 Months Out

Warning: this is a long, rambling, and sort of depressing post. Return tomorrow if you only care for lighthearted fun.

Ivy turned nine months old last week and it's truly unbelievable. Her entire life so far has taken place during historic and unprecedented times. Her last trimester was during the beginning of the pandemic and she was born right after the first peak began to subside.

In many ways Ivy's arrival changed our lives for the better. Babies are an incredible blessing. Miracles, truly. But, as any parent can relate, the joy of the baby still brings with it a lot of change that isn't always easy to navigate. On top of that, we were already weathering major life transitions as a result of the pandemic. I was mentally frayed before she arrived and when she burst into this world I wasn't necessarily prepared for how she would rock it even more.

With time, I've recognized that Ivy's actual birth was quite traumatic. I was more stressed than I have ever been in my entire life going into the hospital that night. I was overwhelmed by covid fears and not excited or mentally stable. I see that now. There were two distinct moments during my labor where we likely could have lost Ivy if it wasn't for the nurses watching the monitors carefully. I didn't realize the danger she was in at the time and everyone else was quiet about it. However, looking back, it could have very easily gone another way. Maybe if the maternity ward had been more crowded that night or the staff less attentive I wouldn't be writing this today. I'm grateful I didn't know the risk at the time and the initial recovery period after delivery in the hospital was actually great. I remain really proud of myself for how I handled having Ivy those first 48 hours without Dan being able to stay with me for much of the time. She and I bonded really well those first two days and I am grateful for that having experienced something quite different and much more difficult with Kip.

Then we returned home! Jumping from one child to two was a big leap. I was devastated to lose the attention I was able to give Kip when it was just him. I'm sure he was too. Simultaneously, we had to adjust back to a normal-ish life once the virus had leveled off in our area. Dan returned to his office for work. Mandy moved back to her apartment in New Jersey. I was on maternity leave but struggling to manage two kids in a tiny apartment and still feeling like it wasn't safe to go outside. It was that weird limbo where things were getting better but there was still that nervous unsure sort of post traumatic feeling that made it hard to jump back into life. Furthermore, massive lay-offs were taking place at my job immediately after I went out on leave. I did a lot of actual work during those first few weeks that Ivy was home with us. I took work calls every week and I worried about maintaining virtual connections with my colleagues during my absence. I very much felt like I needed to still be "on call" even when I was "on leave." That feeling definitely clouded what I had hoped would be a good bonding experience during Ivy's first months of life. 

Dan and I specifically planned Ivy's birth to coincide with summer. I wanted my leave to be during the summer months so that we could take full advantage of my time off and do a lot of fun stuff together as a family. The pandemic and the sweltering heat had other plans. We barely left the apartment and stayed cooped-up inside with nowhere to go anyways.  

But, there was a blessing in all of that. Were it not for the circumstances of our living situation amid a lock-down and the arrival of a second child in the middle of that, we might not have seen the need for more space in the same way. We never planned to move. We never expected to afford a house. We never considered New Jersey a viable living/working option. By mid summer we were faced with the reality that I would be working from home indefinitely. Room sharing for a toddler and a newborn wasn't going to work for some time. Kip wouldn't be starting preschool in the fall. It was apparent that a two bedroom apartment would never accommodate productivity without a separate working area and separate sleep situations for Kip and Ivy.  

God blessed us with the circumstances in such a way that we were able to find, close, and move within two months. It was a whirlwind I wouldn't recommend attempting but we survived. Since that time we've all recognized God's hands in every aspect. We purchased this home for around $100,000 less than any comparable town home in our community has sold for since...in fact, one just down the block sold in a bidding war for nearly $200,000 more than what we purchased ours for and only a few months after we closed. Had we not taken that little afternoon picnic back in June, I don't know where we would be today. 

We moved two days before Ivy turned three months old and I started back at work full time. We were adjusting to a new state, a new living arrangement, multi-level parenting, a toddler who never had more access to space or stairs in his life, integrating Mandy into our hustle and flow, unpacking, and getting back to work, and still trying to find a rhythm with a newborn. It was rough. Mentally, I'm astounded I made it through that time. 

But with the house we all felt some amount of relief. We all had more space. We could get outside much more easily. We could go on walks and get fresh air and sunshine flooded our living room all day long. It was bumpy for sure but we rebounded.

After we moved, Ivy hit the four month sleep regression and has never slept the same since. It's a big bummer, but in many ways I am so grateful she was such a sweet and sleepy trooper those first three months of her life when everything else was so chaotic.

In the last nine months every aspect of our lives has changed. We've had truly awful days more than I would have liked. I've hated myself as a mom often and been disappointed that I haven't always enjoyed these baby days with Ivy. I often feel overwhelmed by the stress of everything and how it overshadows my parenting on those days. I go to bed wishing for a do-over. A lot of times people say, "you'll miss this...babies don't keep...treasure every moment..." and while I recognize all of that as true, it doesn't change reality. Those comments, though well meaning, add guilt to pain. Time always adds a rosy quality to the past. We remember happy times over dark ones. That's a good thing! But in the moment, in those difficult times when the baby won't sleep, the toddler is screaming again, pressures mount at work, relationships are strained, and anxiety fills every second... I can't convince myself to "treasure every moment." Two things are true: I am grateful for what I have AND this situation is hard. 

The only thing that I can give to myself is grace and forgiveness and try my best to extend those to others, even a little baby. I know I will look back at this and think of it all differently. Maybe even wish to wake up at 4 am and snuggle a restless Ivy! I hope that future Stephanie won't be too hard on past Stephanie. Maybe she can extend some grace as well.

 
We've had bumps these last nine months but gosh if she isn't just the sweetest. Parenthood is weird and wild and a whole rainbow of emotions every day.

Check out Kip's 9 In 9 Out post back here. Ugh! I miss that little squish. I can look at that post from three years ago and see the past as rosy. Ivy and I will get there too.

February 18, 2021

Ivy || 9 Months Old

Ivy is nine months old! That's full term! I'll be doing a little nine months in - nine months out post later but here is her little monthly recap.

Ivy at Nine Months
Weight: 19 lbs. 4 oz. (15 lbs. 4 oz. at six months)
Height: 29.8 inches (27.4 inches inches six months)
Personality: sensitive and opinionated
 
She was cooperative for this little photo session so I got a couple of cute shots.
 



Likes
Waking up in the morning
Nursing
Being held
Playing with LEGOs
Peek-a-boo with Dada
Jumperoo
Getting to go outside 
Yogurt, applesauce, purees
Dancing to Alphabet Train
BATH TIME!
Sleeping on her tummy (ha! and she resisted it so much at first)
Being in a standing position
 
Dislikes
Being put down for naps
Getting dressed
Not being held
Being left alone
Being any more than 2 inches from someone
The "moo" sound 
When Kip takes toys from her
Getting her face and hands wiped after eating
 
Wearing 
Size 4 diapers
9-12 month clothing
0-3 month shoes
Fleece sleep sack

Things I want to remember about Ivy at 9 months:
How her whole body gets excited and wiggles around
Her scrunch nose smile with snuffy laugh
How she knows when it's time for bath - her favorite time of day
Her endless noise making
How I love her SO much and at the same time be completely drained by her 
Blowing raspberries
The terror of someone saying "mooooooo"
Those two little teeth poking up
Full fist shoving Cheerios
The food she keeps hidden up in the roof of her mouth instead of swallowing
How she seems completely unaware that she is a baby and therefore cannot possibly do half of what she is trying to attempt
How she may end up being a dancer. She can't help but move to music











Sleep
Most of the time I feel so desperate. Ivy is 9 months old and by this point I had hoped we would have figured things out and been well on our way to those blissful baby days. We are not. This month I got so fed up with short naps that we forced Ivy into a two nap schedule. Kip was still taking three naps at this age but that didn't seem to be working for her so we dropped to two. She goes down at 9 am and then again three hours after she wakes up from the first nap. Some days she does so great and I get really happy and hopeful. Then the next day is trash. We have more bad days than good. And, she still wakes to nurse 1-3 times a night.

I'm just going to speak this out into the universe in the hopes that someone out there with some sort of magic energy with make it happen. 

I want Ivy to sleep from 6 pm to 6 am without waking to nurse. I want her to nap from 9 am to 10:30 am and then nap again from 1:30 pm to 3 pm. 

I know it's unreasonable to expect that but it's my truth. That's it. That's all I want. 

I could even tolerate a night feed so long as she doesn't wake up for the day at 5 am. I CANNOT handle 5 am wake ups. I just can't. 

Eat
Slow and steady. Not to peg this girl right out the gate but she seems trending towards a picky eater compared to Kip. She LOVES purees and gets pretty upset if nothing of that sort is offered at mealtimes. She likes yogurt for breakfast and applesauce or a pouch for lunch and dinner. We give her the food we eat and leftovers from dinner the night before. She will put it in her mouth and chew but somehow manages not to swallow it. She can drink water and swallow purees but somehow the noodle or meat or whatever solid food we gave her will stay in her mouth until we manage to scoop it out with a finger. I'm worried about putting her to bed with potentially peas and rice stuck in her cheeks or the roof of her mouth! How is it possible to swallow without swallowing? 








Play
Ivy thinks she is a toddler. She will get INTO things to play. She loves sensory things so kicking her legs in a bunch of LEGOS or digging into stuff is her jam. She likes interactive toys and she seems to really understand buttons and spiny things. Even though she isn't crawling yet she does manage to move herself in a circle or across the floor by rolling and she is very bendy and can stretch quite far to reach something. She loves her jumperoo and gets very excited when Kip tries to play with her. Also, she is mouthy. Everything goes in her mouth. This causes me huge amounts of anxiety since we can't always be watching her every second and we have SO many toys that are choking hazards. We try to put her in her pack n play when we have to do something out of sight but she really hates being left in that and has less and less tolerance for it throughout the day. 











This month Ivy got her first two teeth! She celebrated Kip's half birthday and Valentine's Day. She got to experience bubble bomb baths and try lots of new foods. She only got to go outside a few times due to cold and snowy weather. She was reintroduced to the baby carrier since she insists on being held all the time. She is sweet and snuggly and sensitive. I had many hard moments with her this month but she doesn't hold it against me. Every day I'm overwhelmingly happy to see her gummy grin and feel her soft cheek against mine.

February 15, 2021

Weekending it

Happy holiday Monday!

It's cold here today and we're staring at mounds of snow that are two weeks old. Blah.We didn't do much of anything over the weekend, as usual. Mandy watched the kids for a bit on Saturday so Dan and I could go on a "date." We ate Chick-fil-a in the parking lot and then waited in line outside before being able to browse Home Goods. We ended up going to the grocery store and getting our food for the week ahead of what was supposed to be freezing rain. Even though we didn't do much, we enjoyed our time out together. Thanks Mandy!

Sunday was Valentine's Day and all the minor holidays are something to celebrate around here, if only to break the monotony a bit. Tiny gifts and candy all around.


Kip has been into Wall-E and Inside Out on Disney lately so there has been a lot of pretend play around those two films. 

Today I'm off from work but working on registering Kip for Pre-K and doing chores around the house. I'm really missing my old school Mondays "work from home" when working from home wasn't really working. I'm in my typical low point of the winter doldrums of February, missing everything about life pre-pandemic, and looking forward to Spring. Sigh.






Cheers to the week ahead which should look like last week, and the week before, and the month before that...into eternity.


February 11, 2021

Kippy || 3 1/2 Years Old

Kip turned 3 1/2 on Wednesday and he just feels so big! I honestly can't believe he is nearly 4. Four feels like a big kid age to me and while part of me is excited to leave toddlerhood behind, the other part wants to hold onto it for dear life. I can't be the mom of a big kid! I don't know how!!!

Kipling at 3 1/2 Years
Weight: ?? (31.2 lbs. at 3 years) 
Height: ?? inches (38.2 inches at 3 years) 
Personality: Sweet and SPICY!

Sleep 
Kip has always been a pretty great sleeper, all things considered. Since he turned three we've seen a huge change in this area. He is afraid of the dark now, "scared of the night," and resists bedtime with endless delays. Since he stopped using the pacifier about a month ago, he no longer naps and he struggles to self-soothe in the night if he wakes up. Dan is repeatedly in Kip's rooms throughout the night for various issues. Nose wipes, needs more night lights, wants his socks off, wants his socks on, needs covers, too many covers. Lately he has been waking up at 5 am and insisting his OK to Wake 'green clock' is not working and he can't go back to sleep. WE ARE TIRED! And an overtired Kip makes for a cranky Kip. 
 
His bedtime routine grows and grows. Before we did almost nothing. Just brushed his teeth and put him in bed. Now we fight to get him upstairs, brush his teeth, force him to go potty. Then it's three books in the chair and one book in bed with the flashlight. He has to turn all his lights off, pick his color of stars for his ceiling nightlight, turn on his sound machine, and arrange all his friends in bed. Then one of the adults lays with him and snuggle for a bit, maybe listen to a song. Then the adult sits in the chair for a few minutes, then leaves and returns and leaves and returns over and over until he finally goes to bed. It's exhausting.
 
I'll admit it here: I want the pacifier back.  


Eat
Kip is a good eater. He still loves his cup of milk first thing in the morning. Then he eats breakfast after playing for a bit. He likes waffles, oatmeal, toast, cinnamon rolls, muffins, square cereal (Life), and bars. He usually has a morning snack of a tiny juice box and a bar. He loves to help prepare his food too. For lunch he has been obsessed with "swam-wiches." This is not a sandwich by any definition. It's a piece of bread covered in mayonnaise and honey mustard and cut into squares. He eats this nearly every day and if you make it "wrong" watch out because a tornado tantrum will hit you in the face. He also eats chips. Lots of chips. I'd say a year ago he was obsessed with yogurt and applesauce pouches. He lost his interest in those for the most part but will still each them on occasion.
 
 
Every day at 3 o'clock we have "coffee o'clock." He calls it that and he is always ON TIME. I know it's a terrible habit but we give Kip a tiny cup of iced coffee. It's a sugary diluted mix from a bottle of Dunkin iced french vanilla coffee. He enjoys it with a snack. His current favorite it Cheez-its. Go ahead, judge me. I honestly don't care. We are struggling right now and I don't want to battle Kip over a few sips of coffee. 

We have dinner at 6 every night. Mandy and I trade off and Dan will make dinner on occasion. Kip eats with us at the table and he does really great and usually eats a ton. It's the most balanced meal he gets all day so I'm grateful he tends to enjoy it. I think his favorite dinner right now is anything with a southwestern flavor. He loves salsa and sour cream. 
 
He loves to help cook and bake and his favorite treats to help make are cinnamon rolls and pumpkin bread.

Play
Kip lives for play. As every kid should! Now that we have a house with much more space, his play has physically expanded. His absolute favorite thing to play is trains. He loves his wooden "little trains" and makes massive elaborate tracks all day long. He also loves his Duplo Lego train sets. He makes sheds, and tunnels, and buildings with his other Duplos to add to the set-up. All day long all trains. If you try to get him into playing something else, it's usually a struggle. Lately I've been making different sensory trays for him to play with and he likes those but he adores his trains. There is no competing. 



He enjoys playing with Ivy too! He is a sweet big brother and eager for her to get bigger so she can play more.
 

During his "Kippy time" (quiet time) he plays in his bedroom alone. The toys he has access to up there are Magnatiles, Little People, dolls, and his big trucks. All his books are in there too. He struggles to play with these toys alone for very long but it's good practice in independent play and he tries every day. 
 

Outdoor play is a favorite for Kip too. While we all miss our playground days back in Brooklyn, we do try to get him out daily for at least a walk or to go run in the field in the park by our house. The last several weeks have been very cold so we've been cooped-up and snowed-in. We are all looking forward to the return of sunshine and the opportunity to burn Kip's energy outside.
 



 
Talk
There is no barrier to Kip's vocabulary these days. He chats all day long. He sings, he repeats things he hears from us and things he hears on his shows. He can asks Alexa all kinds of commands too! He can communicate very well whether he chooses too or not is the kicker. He is learning to express his emotions but he is still little so screaming and yelling and crying are still a default. Some one my favorite things he says these days:
 
"Pretty good" when asked how he is or how his lunch is or really anything
"Hey, Mama Mama" this is how he addresses me
 
Some funny Kip-isms and pronunciations:
"Necked" = connected
"Broker" = rake
"Google bottle" = glue
"Cin-min rolls" = cinnamon rolls
"Swam-wich" =  sandwich
"Casey-dea" = quesadilla
 
A couple of funny moments:
We were walking in the park and Kip said "hi" to a woman who walked past. She responded, "hey honey!" We walked away and Kip said to us, "I'm not honey, I'm syrup!"
 
Mandy was trying to get Kip dressed in his pajamas. He was being a floppy noodle and she said, "Be like a tree" meaning to stand straight. He got upset and responded, "But I don't have leaves on my head!"
 
One morning we were snuggling in family bed and Kip turned to me and said, "Grandma's baby looks like a dog." Dan's mom's dog's name is Baby. Kip was confused by the name of her dog and his knowledge of a baby vs. a dog.  

The other night I was trying to reconnect with Kip after a tough tantrum moment. I said to him, "You're a good kid having a hard time." He responded, "I'm a good kid but a tricky kid." Phew, no truer words were spoken.


What's next?
I am attempting to register Kip for Pre-K at the local elementary school for the fall. Who knows where we will be with the pandemic at that point but we want him to stay on track with his peers and so whether schools are still remote or not, we want him enrolled. That's really all that's on the horizon for Kip at the moment. We try not to plan ahead too much since everything feels so much in transition.

If you have the time and are interested, go back and read the little update I did last year when Kip turned 2 1/2. HERE. It's wild. I wrote that about a month before the pandemic hit and life as we knew it went down the drain along with all the hand soap and sanitizer we've been bathing with for the last year. Our life is 1,000% different and Kip has grown and changed so much as well. 

Now reread his update from his birthday when he turned 3, just six months ago. HERE. This was written right before we moved out of Brooklyn. I feel like every six months this kid hits not only an age milestone but along with it a huge life change milestone. Last year it was the pandemic and the arrival of Ivy. Since he turned three it was moving to New Jersey, living in a house, adjusting to a lifestyle that was completely different than what he knew. 

For all of us, the last six months have been a bumpy transition to put it mildly. It's hard to know if all the behavior and emotions we've witnessed from Kip since turning 3 are because he is 3 and that age is hard or if it's because he is absorbing all the stress from the adults around him? It's been tough and every day has both bright spots with laughing and joy and other loud and alarming outbursts of tantrums and rough behavior. As a mom, I feel like this age has been the most difficult and that's while I'm juggling so many other changes and transitions myself. Many days I go to bed feeling like I've failed Kip. I wasn't my best mama self for him and I worry about how this year will change him permanently. I love him SO SO SO much and that still never feels like enough.