Beloved Mom and Marmee

I apologize for the long absence without an update. For those that do not follow me on social or know me personally, I'm sorry if no posts left you worrying. It's weird how social media can sometimes give us anxiety about the whereabouts of strangers we don't really know.

Anyways, several weeks ago I asked for prayers for my mom. She had gotten sick after visiting us at the end of June. It was just a cold (not covid, thankfully) but her body had a hard time recovering and she developed pneumonia. It ended up being a bacterial infection (staph) in her lungs. She was in the ICU for two weeks making some progress but with several complications she was still having difficulty breathing. On July 8th they decided to put her on a ventilator to help her lungs recover. This course of treatment was rather unexpected and my sisters and I did not have enough time to fly back to see her before the procedure. We all arrived in Colorado later that night and spent the next week with my Dad at the hospital by my mom's bedside. She worked so hard and we had many moments of connection with her even though she was sedated. Ultimately, however, she was not able to regain the ability to breathe on her own and we all knew that her soul had left this earth. On Thursday, July 14 my Dad, sisters, and I agreed to remove the life support. She passed away quickly and peacefully, with all of us by her side.

We lost Dan's dad this exact time last summer so it all feels very heavy right now. Losing a parent is just something impossible to understand until it happens to you. 

It has been two weeks now and the rest of life has carried on like normal. I'm mostly in shock and disbelief. We just saw her a month ago, happy and healthy. It feels so unbelievable except I saw it with my own eyes. It's heartbreaking. I'm sad that she doesn't get to be a part of Kip and Ivy's lives in the same way. I'm sad for all of her close friends who didn't get to say goodbye. I'm sad for my Dad, and for my sisters and me. I'm sad because she had a lot of life left to live and I'm not sure what we'll do without her.

My mom was a wonderfully playful and silly when we were growing up. She was always encouraging and supportive. She was wildly creative and artistically talented. She adored Dan and I will forever be grateful to know that she loved and supported my husband. She was a doting Marmee to Kip and Ivy and always wanted to know what they were up to and how she could spoil them. She was proud of my accomplishments and pushed me to pursue my passions despite obstacles.

We didn't always have the best relationship but she loved me through all my tough times, forgave me for the harsh things that I said, and always always stood by my side. I talked with her on the phone weekly and texted her often. She listened to me vent and was my constant support with so many questions and woes about motherhood. I can still hear her voice in my head, the way she called me "Stephy" and somehow I still feel the essence of her embrace. I am so grateful for the hundreds of tiny and detailed memories I have with her and I hope they stay with me always to stand in for her absence. I know she is still with me and I know she will send me signs, I just wish she could have had a bit more time this side of heaven.

I wrote her obituary which you can read here.

I've said it before but I'll continue to say it, take all the photos! Make yourself part of the photos. Ask someone else to take the photos. Forget about what you look like!! It's not for you, it's for everyone else. I spent a long time yesterday scanning photos and going through my digital library looking for photos of my mom. I have over 300 and every last one is a treasure. They are tethers to memories and the closest things I have to seeing her again. I am grateful for any glimpse of her presence. 

This is the last photo I have of her and I together before she went into the hospital. It is a gift.

Miss you mom, be with us always. Send us signs and enjoy the view. 

Love, your Bug, your Steph-a-luffagus, your Punky