Skills and Abilities

Some kids relish independence and have that whole "I do myself" phase. Kip never really had that. I think with the timing of Ivy's arrival and our pandemic lifestyle with it, Kip clung to dependence over independence. This was particularly true with the self dressing skill. 

Late last year we tried to get Kip to dress himself independently and we were met with A LOT of loud resistance from him. I honestly think he feels threatened by independence. Like he doesn't want to grow up or learn new things. He wants to be "just a one year old baby." I can totally relate to this. I definitely remember feeling sad when I no longer fit in kid size shoes or clothes or when my mom told me for the first time that I was too big for her to carry. Growing up is HARD! And sometimes, we need a little motivation to embrace reality.

So, we implemented a sticker chart to work on self dressing specifically but also threw in some good behavior options as well to boost the earning speed.

Five stickers earns a punch and ten punches earns a reward. We tried not to make the rewards something like a toy. Instead we let him pick something to do. Train ride with Dad, Lunch at Panera, and a Free House Day are the big ones. He also had a punch card for a specific monster truck he wanted. 

He's done really well overall with this approach and although not every day is perfect, he is now fully capable of putting his clothes on and his pjs after bath. And we are seeing more and more occasions where he does it without being asked repeatedly! Plus, he is getting much more compliant with washing his hands after school.

We aren't super consistent with remembering to give him stickers for each one of the things on the list every day (and he doesn't ask usually) but the idea was, over time, he'd just start doing the skill on his own instead of making every attempt a fight/struggle. In that sense, it has worked. Kip knows how to dress himself and he knows he has to do it independently. 

A lot of parenting advise these days scorns the idea of reward charts because it creates an economy for behavior. I see the problems with it for sure and how it can become manipulated particularly with older kids. But, I go back to what works best for Kip. He can be stubborn and reluctant to gain new skills and often times he only needs that first initial push to get going enough to TRY the skill. Once he realizes he can master it, it is no longer threatening to him and it just becomes a part of life. After the first couple of weeks, we just laid the clothes out and told him it was time to get dressed and he did it. Maybe we remember to put a sticker on the chart, maybe we don't. It's not really a "thing."

In the classroom environment reward systems are prevalent. In Kip's class, kids earn "tiger tickets" for good behavior and at the end of every day, if they have all their tickets, they get a sticker. So many stickers earns a prize. I share that simply to say, how can parents adapt these new parenting trends (avoiding reward chart systems) if the old approach is still modeled in the classroom? And if the approach is effective why does that make it bad? And further, I've said this before, the adult world operates on merit based rewards. Go to work = get paid. Do a great job = promotion and raise. Life is all about cause and effect. A child's world is not that different.

Anyways, you do you, that's all I've gotta say and Kip now knows how to get dressed.