10 Years Brooklyn

This week, ten years ago, I moved into my first apartment in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.

When I look at these photos and I think about that time, this is what goes through my head:

WHO IS THAT GIRL AND WHAT SORT OF CONFIDENCE DID SHE HAVE TO MAKE SUCH A WILD DECISION??? Also, look at those flare jeans!

I knew approximately three people in New York City when I moved here in 2009. I had never lived in an apartment. I had never lived on my own (I don't count living on a college campus - that's transitional independence). I had never gone grocery shopping with a granny cart. I had never done laundry at a laundromat. I had never lived without access to a car. I had never been expected to support myself financially. I had never relied on public transportation. I had never been an adult!

And yet, despite all that, I flew across with country with a bundle of suitcases, and my mom spent the weekend helping me set-up my apartment and get settled. And I have absolutely NO MEMORY of being nervous or scared or worried AT ALL. And I truly believe I wasn't.

My only worried memory of that weekend was getting myself home on the subway after my mom left. I got off one stop too early and had to walk a bit along 4th Avenue which is a busy, dirty street. I remember saying to myself, well...I guess this how I die. But I made it home and carried on happily no problem.

 

There are only a handful of times in my life when I've felt complete confidence about something.
1) When I picked the college I wanted to attend
2) When I decided to move to New York City
3) When I saw Dan for the first time and I knew he was my future husband

Outside of those three critical moments, the ordinary mundane of my every day life has always been filled with some amount of uncertainty, fear, hesitation, second-guessing, and insecurity. That includes motherhood, which has moments of confidence but for the most part, it's boiling with nerves.

Throughout high school (or my memory of it, at least), I was one big ball of anxiety and had a complete lack of confidence in who I was or who I could be. I had no idea where I was going but I knew that high school was relatively pointless in the big picture. I didn't want lasting friendships. I was not interested in guys. I didn't understand why people thought high school was the best thing in the world. I was ready to move on, basically from the first day it started.

In college I got better in a lot of ways. I found some direction and independence. But things in my life got way worse in a completely catastrophic other way. I lost myself for two solid years. I was alive and dead at the same time. It was complicated. But even in that I knew the steps I was taking were pointed in the right direction and some day, I'd get better. I'd find myself again and I'd figure out where I was supposed to be.

The summer before my senior year of college I spent a month in New York City at a history fellows program. I experienced freedom and fun in a way I never had before. A city I thought was scary was suddenly the most alive and vibrant place I had ever been to and I felt like I fit there. I went back to college that fall and worked so hard to end my college career on top and set my sights on New York University and life in NYC. Everything I wanted fell into my lap. Or more correctly, God gave me direction and He laid out the path ahead of me. It's cliche but it's the honest truth.

I felt confidence because He left no doubt in my heart.

I was a girl possessed. I was determined. I looked at my life until that point and I finally felt like, this is where it starts! Everything else before was just the foundation. I was on my own and life could begin. I felt steady and sure of it. I was uncharacteristically positive.

I didn't know if I could "make it" or how long I could financially stay, but I just went from one moment to the next, building up and having fun. I made friends, got connected at a church, graduated, found a job, fell in love, got married, had a kid... and now 10 years later we're still here! Happy to call Brooklyn and this wild city our home.

It hasn't been perfect and I've had some really hard moments but overall, the last decade has been a blast.

Top Three Favorite Things about NYC

1) Broadway. Hands down.
2) Diversity. Of people, of food, of experiences.
3) Life. I really hate the feeling of physical isolation. I'm not an extrovert but I like knowing that there are other people close by. In the city, you're never far away from one...or 8 million other souls.