Hello

Still here. Just so weary and worn out. The most recent school shooting hit me differently and I'm not sure why. I usually feel shocked and saddened and then turn away to avoid knowing the heartbreaking details. My anxiety always tells me "what you don't see can't hurt you," so I don't watch the news or look for information online. I tell myself that if it doesn't impact me directly, I don't need to dwell on it because getting too close is too crushing. I used to think this was okay, it was important for my own sanity to just pretend nothing happened. But now I see that mindset is false. However, a tendency for avoidance is a hard habit to re-wire.

I think most people will confess to this mindset as well. We offer up our thoughts, say a prayer, or maybe donate money but that's it. We live in a haze, forcing ourselves not to see. But how long can we pretend it doesn't impact us when every single day the fear rises up in the back of our subconscious? We don't know whether a similar tragedy will be at our door next and we won't be able to look away.

Several years ago I was riding a crowded D subway train. This was before my train anxiety got bad so I wasn't in a panic about being pushed up against the door of the train with little space between me and others. As we were moving from Manhattan into Brooklyn (a long stretch with no stops) I noticed the guy facing me, less than a foot away had a gun in his waist. He noticed that I noticed and he placed his hand on it as if to show me that he saw that I saw. It was absolutely terrifying. He wasn't trying to hide it at all. I just stood there trying not to look at him or the gun, praying I'd get off the train. The train car was packed and if he had chosen to take out the gun, none of us would have had anywhere to go or even hide. What this man was doing was 100% illegal in New York City and yet in other cities, it is perfectly acceptable to walk around with a lethal weapon on your belt. Explain how that makes sense and for what purpose?

Gun owner or not, I'm certain any loving soul is heartbroken by the senseless death of any person, let alone a child, at the hands of anyone. And yet, what are we doing to prevent it? 

Sigh.

My dad arrives tonight for a little visit with us and the kids. Spring Break is just after Easter and Grandma and Aunt Judy will be here to visit then. Outside is blooming with flowers and green and the great world continues to spin whether we're ready for it or not.